so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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