Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize