I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
