my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
