tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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