just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
last night I used snow as a chaser
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
