i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
