i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
