I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
