If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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