NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
