I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize