two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
