I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
