So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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