whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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