I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
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