Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
