i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
