If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
