Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
