She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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