you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
