This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
