i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
