I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
