I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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