i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think I won the penis lottery.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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