he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I checked into jail on foursquare
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize