did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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