But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
