can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
