we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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