I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
