I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
