Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
