apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
