I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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