I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
