I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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