I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
