I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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