I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize