I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
