where's my purse there's an important taco in it
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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