My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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