I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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