I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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