I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
