I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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