Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
