cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Randomize
