My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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