It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
