My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
