my mouth tastes like poor choices
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
